Sunday, April 15, 2007

when will I learn?

This week, I had a nice conversation with my Ex on the telephone. No fight, no talk about money, very pleasant, nice chit chat and then we hung up. Well, I thought about how much I enjoyed the talk and wanted to say thank you for it with a nice text message to his cellphone.

So I go to my cellphone, got the message all figured out, want to sign it with "Love - Claudia" and tell him how much I miss talking to him, when it hit me: he is no longer my sweetheart and no longer the recipient of such sweet messages of mine!!! No, siree!!!

Hello?! Memo to Claudia: HE DIVORCED YOU A YEAR AGO!!! Get it? Duhhh....

Problem is whenever he is on the phone, my heart goes a few beats faster than normal. And when I have him right in front of me, it gets even worst! I look at him and think "YUMMY!" and want to take him home with me..., after all, he was my husband for over ten years, shouldn't I be allowed to take him home? Oh wait, there is that thing again: HE DIVORCED ME!!!

My head gets it and is making a good job of securing that I work on my independent woman kind a life... You know, the life where you bring home your own bacon and cook it as well? Problem is you also have to eat it - ALONE!!! Not much fun at times if you ask my heart, but nobody ever does. It's like they all assume that I have adjusted to this life all by myself by now...

So of course I did not send the text message to him that day..., I went to the fridge and got some chocolate instead! Not so perfect either, if you ask me..., if I continue this habbit, I may need some new clothes sooner or later! And this woman ain't bringing home enough bacon for that!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

forgive and forget

It's strange... I just finished an entry in my German blog about how my ex might be showing up at church tomorrow and how I am so not happy with this. After all, this is my terrain now and he chose to stay away from it and us for over three years and I can not say that I have been unhappy with that!

But after writing the entry, I had this weird feeling in my heart and clear message in my head: FORGIVE HIM AND MOVE ON!

How the heck shall I forgive the man that broke my heart so severly? How shall I ever forgive him for causing me to be mistrusting and cautious when it comes to men? How shall I forgive the man who tore my life apart and made me rearrange it anew? How shall I forgive him for destroying my little family and causing my daughter so much heartache and tears? How shall I forgive him for those tearful, sleepless nights full of nightmares and worries? And how for not being able to make ends meet when he is driving a convertible - after telling me that he got not enough money to live on if he gives me the spousal support that my attorney said he has to?

How in the world does a woman forgive such a man when every time she sees him, her hearts gets broken again 'cause she feels that she still loves him abundantly? How, I wonder...

But something inside of me knows that until I forgive him, I won't be able to move on, find another love and be happy again. And I so want to be happy again, I really do. It just hurts so much to let go... I somehow want to forgive him, especially with the knowledge that he doesn't even think of me and what he did to us anymore. He has moved on, started his new life right the minute he moved out..., so why can't I?
What's the use of being mad and angry at someone, who doesn't even give a chicken poop whether I hate him and want to hurt him or not? He certainly doesn't care...

If only I could find it in my heart to forgive him and let go... Maybe that's something I should seriously pray about. After all, didn't God say that he'd help us with those kind of things? Maybe it's about time I put some trust and faith in him and give it a try! After all, what do I have to lose? Actually, from my perspective I can only win: I get rid off the anger in my heart and may find new love in return! Hmmm, not a bad deal, if you ask me!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

so lonely

Sometimes I feel so lonely. Today is one of those days. Maybe it's because my daughter is spending easter with my Ex. Maybe it's because it is spring and you see couples blooming like those flowers you see everywhere. You can walk nowhere these days, without a couple passing you bye, holding hands and kissing and just not being able to keep their hands off of each other. Not to mention all those pregnant women - must have been a very cold winter!

I don't know why, but on those days it is just so much harder to appreciate one's life and to be of good cheer and have a positive outlook on the future. Those days, I wish to have someone beside me to hold me during the night or a bad dream. Someone who wakes up with me, looks me in the eyes and tells me that I am the most gorgeous sight to wake up to... Those days, I just wish I could be with someone.

It's not that I don't like my life as it is. I really do love it and it sure as its advantages. I get to do what I want - well, what my budget and my religon allowes, that is. And I feel like I can be much more myself these days than just what someone expects me to be. I am happy that I can pursue my singing and that I could get an education. And I am looking forward to having a job soon and make my own money, being able to provide for myself and my daughter. But basically, all this is nothing, means nothing, if you can't share it with someone at the end of the day.

I would love to have a partner at my side, yet at that same time I am being afraid of ending up in yet another golden cage. Been there, had it, didn't like it much when I found out about it.

Heck, I wish I knew what to do about it! I can't go out there and try a bunch of guys out to see if they might be the one, can't I? I don't want to commit to a bunch of "maybes" until I find the right one, I want to find the right one and well, hopefully keep him a wee bit longer this time than my Ex "kept" me... It might be a nice thing to really make it to the tenth anniversary this time and not be forsaken 6 weeks prior to it!

Oh well, not much to do about at this time of day, so I suppose I'll just go to bed and cry in my pillow some..., haven't done that for quite some time, I bet my pillow misses being drenched in tears! Or not...