Wednesday, August 30, 2006

So many men, so hard to pick one...

Recently I talked to another ex-single female friend of mine, ex-single because she is having new boyfriends faster than I can say "Hi, I am Claudia". It scares me and sometimes I wonder: am I too slow in picking a new partner? Should I already have a new one? Maybe even be married by now?

But then again, I find it difficult to commit to a new relationship after just having been in one for such a long time. Maybe it is because I want one that lasts. As lonely as I am sometimes, I really don't want to jump from one relationship to the next, just because I can't stand the thought of being alone yet another week, month or even year. I want to make sure "he" is the right one before I say yes to him and a partnership.
Am I just too careful? Well, I don't think so. Call me picky, lol, if you must. Nah, not even that. Call me careful, yes I am, it is out in the open now. I am too afraid to say yes to a relationship, just to find out I have been too hasty and am now stuck with the totally wrong guy!
In a movie it once said "Better to be alone for the right reason, than to be with a guy for the wrong reason." - smart concept, if you ask me. But then again, no one ever asks me.

Somehow, my heart goes out to my friend, who finds it too hard to be alone and rather spends her time with Mr. Wrong than waiting for Mr. Right. She gets dissapointed over and over again and in that process starts thinking it must be her - when in reality it is just her lousy timing.
She can not bring it upon her to wait it out, to spend a few more lonely nights and then some - and maybe be rewarded with the right guy in the end.

But then again, what if there is no right guy? What if her way of dealing with it is in fact the right way? What if it is the right thing to be with a bunch of losers, if that leads you to the right guy in the end? Oh..., but what if you are with a loser and the right guy walks along but doesn't recognize you or even look at you because since you are in a relationship, you are out of the "game", not in his "league"? Oh my...

Ok, this is freaking me out! I shouldn't think about this subject too much, it is just making my head spin. But then again, doing it her way, she gets love, attention, sex, a warm body to cling to, someone who is there for her when she is sick, company for dates and such..., and here I am, on my own, sitting it out.

Who is better off?

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Would I be missed?

Sometimes I wonder if my life really matters. Will someone miss me when I am gone? And I mean really miss me, not just because of the hole that I left in the workplace or in church. Will I leave a gap or will I be replaceable?

I thought that I mattered to some and that people really cared about me. But when my husband moved out and I really needed my so called friends, I recognized pretty fast, that there weren't any! Of all the about 20 friends that I thought I had, only two remained. Well, I ought to be grateful I assume - at least those 2 stuck with me when I was pretty much down the drain and a sorry image of selfpitty.

I wonder if people will notice and be sad when I am gone. It seems that these days, things and people are replaceable. You switch jobs, cities, partners, lives, children..., and what else.

I wonder if my parents' life had turned out different if I had died instead of my brother. Had my dad mourned my loss as much as that of his first born son? And what if I had been allowed to stay in the family and not had been removed - would they have faced the problems we had? Would they have been able to acknowledge their part in it all, too - or still view me as the trouble maker - the problem? Would they still blame me for being difficult?
And if I had not given birth to their first grandchild, would they still have welcomed be back into the family?

Would people miss me? All my talking, my cheering up people, my hugs, my cookies, my singing? My being a pain in the butt? Or would there have simply been someone else with all these gifts and talents? Am I really not that unique? Am I actually replaceable? Are we all?

What is my purpose, what do I really contribute to this world, this society, to my country, to my family? Am I special and needed, wanted and missed if not here?

Sometimes I get the feeling that it doesn't really matter whether I was dead or alive. It would make things inconvenient for some, for my Ex for example who'd then have to take care of my daughter and could not live the "oh so free as a bird" life he wanted and therefor divorced me, us. And it may be hard for my daughter, after all, I am her mom and she's used to me. But would she really miss me and what defines me? Or would she just miss the caregiver?

I feel small and inadequate, like I don't make a difference and may as well not be here. It seems as if people don't notice me - so why even bother? Do we only get noticed when we are special and great? When we discover something or are a movie/music star? What's with us little people? What are we here for? As stepping stones for the oh so great ones? So that they may reach their goal faster?

Why bother getting up at all, if you are not being missed when you don't?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Am I really a threat?

This week, on thursday, I had my 34th birthday. Not a very pleasant and a rather uneventful day it was, but well, that's life. Next day, I receive an e-mail from a guy friend, sort of apologizing for being a day late with his birthday wishes but asking me to understand that since he didn't want to upset his new girlfriend or causing reason for jelousy.
Hello? It's not like he attached 34 red roses or a dinner invitation to the e-mail, ok! And where is this thought coming from that all single and halfway attractive women are a threat to relationships? It's not like we single women meet and gather around a list of couples and vote for whom's relationship we are about to split up next!
Just because we are single and available, we are not about to destroy other relationships or marriages as well! Heck, most of us didn't even want to be single in the first place, it was brought upon us, like rain on a sunny summer morning - totally unexpected and literally out of the blue, ok?!
Just because I am all by myself now, it does not mean that I am going to lure away every handsome man I can find, including the ones already in a relationship! I am not like that!
All I want is to not be excluded from dinner invitations or game nights, from movie nights or bowling games with the guys! I don't want to be excluded on account of my single status - what's wrong with these people?
And it really, really hurts, when a former good friend sends you birthday greetings a day late and tells you it was because he didn't want to make his girlfriend jelous. It just plain hurts! Under these circumstanes, I'd rather have him forgetting my birthday alltogether and not bother to even e-mail or send a stupid hallmark e-card.