Would I be missed?

Sometimes I wonder if my life really matters. Will someone miss me when I am gone? And I mean really miss me, not just because of the hole that I left in the workplace or in church. Will I leave a gap or will I be replaceable?

I thought that I mattered to some and that people really cared about me. But when my husband moved out and I really needed my so called friends, I recognized pretty fast, that there weren't any! Of all the about 20 friends that I thought I had, only two remained. Well, I ought to be grateful I assume - at least those 2 stuck with me when I was pretty much down the drain and a sorry image of selfpitty.

I wonder if people will notice and be sad when I am gone. It seems that these days, things and people are replaceable. You switch jobs, cities, partners, lives, children..., and what else.

I wonder if my parents' life had turned out different if I had died instead of my brother. Had my dad mourned my loss as much as that of his first born son? And what if I had been allowed to stay in the family and not had been removed - would they have faced the problems we had? Would they have been able to acknowledge their part in it all, too - or still view me as the trouble maker - the problem? Would they still blame me for being difficult?
And if I had not given birth to their first grandchild, would they still have welcomed be back into the family?

Would people miss me? All my talking, my cheering up people, my hugs, my cookies, my singing? My being a pain in the butt? Or would there have simply been someone else with all these gifts and talents? Am I really not that unique? Am I actually replaceable? Are we all?

What is my purpose, what do I really contribute to this world, this society, to my country, to my family? Am I special and needed, wanted and missed if not here?

Sometimes I get the feeling that it doesn't really matter whether I was dead or alive. It would make things inconvenient for some, for my Ex for example who'd then have to take care of my daughter and could not live the "oh so free as a bird" life he wanted and therefor divorced me, us. And it may be hard for my daughter, after all, I am her mom and she's used to me. But would she really miss me and what defines me? Or would she just miss the caregiver?

I feel small and inadequate, like I don't make a difference and may as well not be here. It seems as if people don't notice me - so why even bother? Do we only get noticed when we are special and great? When we discover something or are a movie/music star? What's with us little people? What are we here for? As stepping stones for the oh so great ones? So that they may reach their goal faster?

Why bother getting up at all, if you are not being missed when you don't?