Friday, April 25, 2008

boyfriend issues

My husband left us and the church four years ago and since then I tried to bring my daughter up the same way I did before then, only it is just me living according to the church standards and her dad giving her the "real world" every second weekend.

This week, once again, she was very depressed that she can not have a boyfriend. She is 15 and everyone in her school and near environment seems to have a friend but she and she blames it on her upbringing. She says if she had not been raised a Mormon, she could go out there and have a boyfriend and would not thing so much about the things she shouldn't be doing. Just today she told me she really does not care so much about being a daughter of a heavenly father if that means she is alone, without someone to love.

Interestingly enough, the last two guys she had really liked turned out to be jerks, leaving her for other girls because she woulod not "move" fast enough for them. So in a way she is kind a glad that she did not do what they suggested or ddi not go as far as they would have liked her to - but still, she is hurting and wants a boyfriend!

I have no idea what to tell her. We have covered all the "standards", the teachings of the prophets, the scriptures and well, she is pretty much tired of it all and wants a boyfriend. What else is there for me to do? How can I make her understand that her value does not depend on whether or not she is having a boyfriend? How I can make her understand that waiting for the right one is worth it, especially after her dad left us and the words "eternal family" ring sour in her ears? I am really running out of ideas on what to tell her...

Saturday, June 02, 2007


I am relying on you for your help!

I am not sure if you remember the 80's hit series "highway to heaven". In season 1, episode 5 "songs of the wild west", there are two songs being sung be those two women playing singers.
I really like to ad those to my repertoire but I can not make out the titles nor who sung them in real life.

If anybody out there knows what I am talking about and can help me any further, please do mail me.

Thank you very much for your help - Claudia

Sunday, April 15, 2007

when will I learn?

This week, I had a nice conversation with my Ex on the telephone. No fight, no talk about money, very pleasant, nice chit chat and then we hung up. Well, I thought about how much I enjoyed the talk and wanted to say thank you for it with a nice text message to his cellphone.

So I go to my cellphone, got the message all figured out, want to sign it with "Love - Claudia" and tell him how much I miss talking to him, when it hit me: he is no longer my sweetheart and no longer the recipient of such sweet messages of mine!!! No, siree!!!

Hello?! Memo to Claudia: HE DIVORCED YOU A YEAR AGO!!! Get it? Duhhh....

Problem is whenever he is on the phone, my heart goes a few beats faster than normal. And when I have him right in front of me, it gets even worst! I look at him and think "YUMMY!" and want to take him home with me..., after all, he was my husband for over ten years, shouldn't I be allowed to take him home? Oh wait, there is that thing again: HE DIVORCED ME!!!

My head gets it and is making a good job of securing that I work on my independent woman kind a life... You know, the life where you bring home your own bacon and cook it as well? Problem is you also have to eat it - ALONE!!! Not much fun at times if you ask my heart, but nobody ever does. It's like they all assume that I have adjusted to this life all by myself by now...

So of course I did not send the text message to him that day..., I went to the fridge and got some chocolate instead! Not so perfect either, if you ask me..., if I continue this habbit, I may need some new clothes sooner or later! And this woman ain't bringing home enough bacon for that!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

forgive and forget

It's strange... I just finished an entry in my German blog about how my ex might be showing up at church tomorrow and how I am so not happy with this. After all, this is my terrain now and he chose to stay away from it and us for over three years and I can not say that I have been unhappy with that!

But after writing the entry, I had this weird feeling in my heart and clear message in my head: FORGIVE HIM AND MOVE ON!

How the heck shall I forgive the man that broke my heart so severly? How shall I ever forgive him for causing me to be mistrusting and cautious when it comes to men? How shall I forgive the man who tore my life apart and made me rearrange it anew? How shall I forgive him for destroying my little family and causing my daughter so much heartache and tears? How shall I forgive him for those tearful, sleepless nights full of nightmares and worries? And how for not being able to make ends meet when he is driving a convertible - after telling me that he got not enough money to live on if he gives me the spousal support that my attorney said he has to?

How in the world does a woman forgive such a man when every time she sees him, her hearts gets broken again 'cause she feels that she still loves him abundantly? How, I wonder...

But something inside of me knows that until I forgive him, I won't be able to move on, find another love and be happy again. And I so want to be happy again, I really do. It just hurts so much to let go... I somehow want to forgive him, especially with the knowledge that he doesn't even think of me and what he did to us anymore. He has moved on, started his new life right the minute he moved out..., so why can't I?
What's the use of being mad and angry at someone, who doesn't even give a chicken poop whether I hate him and want to hurt him or not? He certainly doesn't care...

If only I could find it in my heart to forgive him and let go... Maybe that's something I should seriously pray about. After all, didn't God say that he'd help us with those kind of things? Maybe it's about time I put some trust and faith in him and give it a try! After all, what do I have to lose? Actually, from my perspective I can only win: I get rid off the anger in my heart and may find new love in return! Hmmm, not a bad deal, if you ask me!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

so lonely

Sometimes I feel so lonely. Today is one of those days. Maybe it's because my daughter is spending easter with my Ex. Maybe it's because it is spring and you see couples blooming like those flowers you see everywhere. You can walk nowhere these days, without a couple passing you bye, holding hands and kissing and just not being able to keep their hands off of each other. Not to mention all those pregnant women - must have been a very cold winter!

I don't know why, but on those days it is just so much harder to appreciate one's life and to be of good cheer and have a positive outlook on the future. Those days, I wish to have someone beside me to hold me during the night or a bad dream. Someone who wakes up with me, looks me in the eyes and tells me that I am the most gorgeous sight to wake up to... Those days, I just wish I could be with someone.

It's not that I don't like my life as it is. I really do love it and it sure as its advantages. I get to do what I want - well, what my budget and my religon allowes, that is. And I feel like I can be much more myself these days than just what someone expects me to be. I am happy that I can pursue my singing and that I could get an education. And I am looking forward to having a job soon and make my own money, being able to provide for myself and my daughter. But basically, all this is nothing, means nothing, if you can't share it with someone at the end of the day.

I would love to have a partner at my side, yet at that same time I am being afraid of ending up in yet another golden cage. Been there, had it, didn't like it much when I found out about it.

Heck, I wish I knew what to do about it! I can't go out there and try a bunch of guys out to see if they might be the one, can't I? I don't want to commit to a bunch of "maybes" until I find the right one, I want to find the right one and well, hopefully keep him a wee bit longer this time than my Ex "kept" me... It might be a nice thing to really make it to the tenth anniversary this time and not be forsaken 6 weeks prior to it!

Oh well, not much to do about at this time of day, so I suppose I'll just go to bed and cry in my pillow some..., haven't done that for quite some time, I bet my pillow misses being drenched in tears! Or not...

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

where the heck is my teacher?

I am about to lose my mind! For three days I have now tried to reach my teacher to find out what grade I got on my thesis - and I just can't seem to get through to her! I even left a message on her machine and well, she did not call me back! I am the only one in my class who does not know her grade and it's driving me crazy! Where the heck is that darn woman????

Sunday, March 25, 2007

long time no see...

Some German blog buddy requested that I continue writing in this blog..., heck, it's enough pain in the butt to continue the blog I have in German! Not that I mind writing in English, I actually prefere it over writing in German, but that alone would be worth a whole new entry!

What happend since we last saw each other? Well, let me tell you:

Trips to the US for x-mas: 1, with my daughter to Utah and it was awesome! She bought a whole bunch of clothes from Old Navy for $ 80 and two pairs of chucks for $ 70 - those are still way cheaper over there than they are here in Germany, can you believe it? The old saying is still true: wanna buy cheap sneakers and jeans, fly to the US!

Almost marriage proposals: 1, but no comment on that one, let's just say he wasn't my kind a guy!

Job offer: 1, in a bilingual kindergarten group, possible start in August, wish me luck, am invited for an interview in April!

Dreams with my ex in it: too many! Heck, you'd think I have gotten over him by now! After all, we are divorced for over a year now and separated for over three years! Girl, get a grib, get a life and as fast as possible: GET OVER HIM!!!

Blogs to keep up with: 2, and I even opend a "my space" webpage, which turned out to be a very, very bad idea! Need to cancell that one by the way, remind me to do that this week!

Months still to be spend in school: 3 and one week! I hope to find a job soon afterwards, need to make money and lots of it! Have big plans to be independent pretty soon!

Sleeping pills to get my tired and ready for bed: thank goodie only 2! Tried more one night but that kept me awake all night instead! Bad idea!

Years I am on sleeping pills now: 2 1/2, too many if you ask me, but hey, it beats staying awake all night and seeing big spiders crawling up my walls!

Current boyfriends: are you kidding me? None of course! I wouldn't even know what to do with him, am way too busy with my life as it is!

Well, I think that's about it for today! I will try to be a better blogger and keep you posted more frequently...

Oh, and resolutions for this year: None! I totally forgot to come up with some..., which is good 'cause if you don't make some you can't break them, right?