so lonely

Sometimes I feel so lonely. Today is one of those days. Maybe it's because my daughter is spending easter with my Ex. Maybe it's because it is spring and you see couples blooming like those flowers you see everywhere. You can walk nowhere these days, without a couple passing you bye, holding hands and kissing and just not being able to keep their hands off of each other. Not to mention all those pregnant women - must have been a very cold winter!

I don't know why, but on those days it is just so much harder to appreciate one's life and to be of good cheer and have a positive outlook on the future. Those days, I wish to have someone beside me to hold me during the night or a bad dream. Someone who wakes up with me, looks me in the eyes and tells me that I am the most gorgeous sight to wake up to... Those days, I just wish I could be with someone.

It's not that I don't like my life as it is. I really do love it and it sure as its advantages. I get to do what I want - well, what my budget and my religon allowes, that is. And I feel like I can be much more myself these days than just what someone expects me to be. I am happy that I can pursue my singing and that I could get an education. And I am looking forward to having a job soon and make my own money, being able to provide for myself and my daughter. But basically, all this is nothing, means nothing, if you can't share it with someone at the end of the day.

I would love to have a partner at my side, yet at that same time I am being afraid of ending up in yet another golden cage. Been there, had it, didn't like it much when I found out about it.

Heck, I wish I knew what to do about it! I can't go out there and try a bunch of guys out to see if they might be the one, can't I? I don't want to commit to a bunch of "maybes" until I find the right one, I want to find the right one and well, hopefully keep him a wee bit longer this time than my Ex "kept" me... It might be a nice thing to really make it to the tenth anniversary this time and not be forsaken 6 weeks prior to it!

Oh well, not much to do about at this time of day, so I suppose I'll just go to bed and cry in my pillow some..., haven't done that for quite some time, I bet my pillow misses being drenched in tears! Or not...