Thursday, April 05, 2007

so lonely

Sometimes I feel so lonely. Today is one of those days. Maybe it's because my daughter is spending easter with my Ex. Maybe it's because it is spring and you see couples blooming like those flowers you see everywhere. You can walk nowhere these days, without a couple passing you bye, holding hands and kissing and just not being able to keep their hands off of each other. Not to mention all those pregnant women - must have been a very cold winter!

I don't know why, but on those days it is just so much harder to appreciate one's life and to be of good cheer and have a positive outlook on the future. Those days, I wish to have someone beside me to hold me during the night or a bad dream. Someone who wakes up with me, looks me in the eyes and tells me that I am the most gorgeous sight to wake up to... Those days, I just wish I could be with someone.

It's not that I don't like my life as it is. I really do love it and it sure as its advantages. I get to do what I want - well, what my budget and my religon allowes, that is. And I feel like I can be much more myself these days than just what someone expects me to be. I am happy that I can pursue my singing and that I could get an education. And I am looking forward to having a job soon and make my own money, being able to provide for myself and my daughter. But basically, all this is nothing, means nothing, if you can't share it with someone at the end of the day.

I would love to have a partner at my side, yet at that same time I am being afraid of ending up in yet another golden cage. Been there, had it, didn't like it much when I found out about it.

Heck, I wish I knew what to do about it! I can't go out there and try a bunch of guys out to see if they might be the one, can't I? I don't want to commit to a bunch of "maybes" until I find the right one, I want to find the right one and well, hopefully keep him a wee bit longer this time than my Ex "kept" me... It might be a nice thing to really make it to the tenth anniversary this time and not be forsaken 6 weeks prior to it!

Oh well, not much to do about at this time of day, so I suppose I'll just go to bed and cry in my pillow some..., haven't done that for quite some time, I bet my pillow misses being drenched in tears! Or not...


At Thursday, April 05, 2007 11:58:00 PM, Blogger Toronto21 said...

Well, look at the bright side of life. I guess, you had your daughter at xmas time. Wasn`t that something?

Luckily, my Ex and I (we weren`t married) had and have no rules when I can see my daughter. I can see her when I want. Now, she is 16 so she wants to see her girl friends more than me, but thats life. We celebrate xmas, eastern ect. together (with my ex, my parents, sometimes her mother, my sisters family, when she is in Germany), so there are no rules. I hate rules like that. They don`t make anybody happy.

And that`s, why I don`t call myself religios. I do what I want an I don`t want to be put in boundaries, because a religions says, I`m not allowed to do this and that if I want to.

I guess, you should use this time of your life to meet other guys. Don`t think about having them the rest of your life. Who can tell, if it`f forever or not. Even marriage isn`t a guarantee for eternity. If I meet a woman, I`d like to know her better. If it lasts till the end of my beeing, fine. If not, I hopefully learned something from her. I don`t think alot of the future, I try to live the moment. Pain might be included, but thats life. There is no ever lasting happiness.


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